The most popular gift around the world for men.

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The most popular gift around the world for men is still the necktie. Some men take them very serious.

The yellow brick road Benidorm, a trick shop up on the left. I went there to asked the middle-aged bloke if he would create simple lettering and logo for my van. I knew he had a vinyl printer/cutter in the back. Whilst in the shop the child in me, which hopefully still exists regardless of the complaints from females about men still being boys. I couldn’t resist spending a euro or two on an exploding black pen, in fact, I’ll have two. Popped them in my top pocket and walked out of the shop with the owner, who had a writing pad and tape measure in hand.

We agreed on the measurements and content etc., he had a problem shaking his Biro, it was clear he had run out of ink. His look, “do you have a pen?” I’m fast to hand him one of his exploding kind. He didn’t twig. Pulled off the top and nearly had a coronary as it exploded in his face, which changed from false laughter to embarrassment for falling for his own product. Didn’t help that he had to watch my oppo take a knee screaming with laughter.

He asked us not to mention it to his wife – yes mate that’s happening! The poor woman looked like she could do with a laugh, stuck in a shop stocked with things only adolescent males in their forties found amusing because they reminded them of their childhoods.

“Never get high on your own supply,” she said, wagging a playful finger.

All wasn’t well I sensed the man didn’t like me after that to the degree if we had Facebook I would have been de-friended. I was told by my oppo, who was still chuntering, it was because I slagged off his tie. I merely asked did it do any tricks. “What!” he said, sharply. I replied your clown tie. He said this was a gift from his wife – their thirtieth wedding anniversary – oops!

It’s funny people out of respect will keep their opinions inside. Exercising decorum. When it comes to ties it’s like open season, no problem just hate away.

Ties are actually quite personal someone laughs at my tie I’m not happy and concerned they are having ago. I see a tie I like I’ll spin it into a full Windsor regardless of what I’m wearing.

Most suits in the businesses sector are variations of blues and greys mainly blokes walking around with different coloured ties. In the book how to dress for success, my copy is from 1996, a red tie or a tie with red in it is positive, yet some people in the sales industry cringe at a red tie for screaming, stop do not enter, do not go.

Ties do seem pointless they don’t really do anything, if you spill chicken fried rice down your front you can’t just leave it there because that is what your tie was for to save your shirt. This obvious sexist phallic-arrow pointing down towards, what my mother would refer to as Mr Peaslin, is collected by Grabatologists. The tie industry suffered a ten percent drop in sales due to casual Friday, incidentally so did the wearing of underwear – not sure if going commando counts as casual, keep the tie on lose the trolleys?

I remember a colleague and friend using a tie to his advantage. On-site in a cabin with a couple of suits from Railtrack. This was an important project meeting and my site manager, Shaun, hadn’t turned up, strange because punctuality was one of his credits, that and his sense of humour. Five minutes into the meeting Shaun rushed in apologised in his Dublin brogue for being late stopped and showed everyone his arm. He had a frayed tie around his wrist in a million knots. He said he went out last night to a bar in Greenwich, met a girl, woke up this morning. She had tied him to the bedposts with two of his best silk ties. He chewed through them, his ties not his arms. Bitch didn’t even leave a number, he added.

We laughed at his chutzpah, the ice was broken, the meeting went well and Shaun learned a lesson about underperformance – you know – for being late!

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