Guest Colomnists


I’m not kidding! The place you want to be is Picde Bugarach in the French Pyrénées, because in exactly two week’s time extraterrestrials are going to shoot out of the mountain and rescue everyone in the village. People are actually right now sitting on the side of the mountain waiting for a UFO to land and save them. And certain unscrupulous villagers are renting out rooms for £1200 per night!

Nasa has already been bombarded with over 5000 emails from suicidal people, saying they can’t sleep and asking if they should kill themselves, because on 21st December 2018 the rogue planet Nibiru is going to crash into Earth, and that’ll be the end of the human race as we know it. It’s all written down in an ancient Mayan calendar.

Out of those people who aren’t contemplating topping themselves, some are planning parties on the 20th, while others are hoarding supplies.

I’m a little sceptical though. You see it occurs to me that if Nibiru were close enough to crash into Earth in two weeks time, the old stargazers would have spotted it by now. And besides that, how would the Mayans know a UFO would arrive out of a mountain in France in 2018 when they couldn’t even see the Conquistadores Españoles on the horizon?

I think you’ve more chance of being hit by a bus than by a rogue planet, but just in case I’m getting a few extra cases of London Pride in.

Author Karl Wiggins


8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man…woman…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snow men and snow women. I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken into care by social services.

9:29 – Antifa protestors, offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. This is what our country the UK is now.

Author Karl Wiggins